Monday, November 06, 2006

I have a cleft, got through alot of pain, sufferings and enduring through a row of surgeries to fix me every month or few years. Now its all over, only one more surgery, i thought tt will be the last of it, thinking that ill have a better life. At least trying to make things easier and not getting stress over anything, bring happy most of the time, tt was what i would like.....was. Then, it all just took a minor wind to blow it away, just disappearing right before me. Wow its all the same, its like time is able to reverse itself and bringing back all the feelings tt were unwanted for, why...if we can do tt, reversing time, why cant we undo our mistakes...oh yea of coures everybody says tts impossible tts why it wont happen.
Watching other ppl have all the luck, the wealth, the brains, everything happens exactly right where they want it. PSLE, studied hard for it, got a remarkable score, for me it was hard, i tried, got A for chinese, my lousiest, subject...A, the rest, B. Of coures i was happy...very, confirming myself tt my father would buy me something i wanted, xbox, answer "No",...ook, playstation?, answer "No"...i was abit dissapointed, so went on to suggesting PC games, and i was surprise! my father was quite reluctent, want to buy?, or not to buy. In the end bought it, ok i was happy, after knowing, other ppl, (not trying to be specific), got what?....xbox, my 1st choice, and then the kind of feeling i never wanted to have, heat rushing from my heart to my head, my eyes getting warmer, then i tried to keep it cool and ask why, questioning myself. These kind of situation happens to me alot of times, as always i asked why. Till a later date, maybe recently, i changed to asking why to myself or other ppl to,looking up and asking why, "Why do u give me this life, this soul, this brain, how come other ppl have a better brain, genius, just need to study abit to get good results, why pick me to suffer WHY?!?!? Keeping calm, tts y so many ppl, teachers think im a good boy, good boy? Im always gd since young, others before self, always these kind of good routine, why am i doing this good stuff what good did i get in return? last time primary 1 i was small so neat so good kind to others, nope no good stuff happened to me i prayed, then i got bullyed? why? frankly speaking i would kill tt bully now if Id see him the anger of being good, wanna be bad, wanna kill him. AW how sad u cant kill its the FUKIN law kill him u get killed in jail, the karma. dam it. All the good, convincing me to change back to a good kid, if i were bad i would say, how pathetic tt man is trying to convince me. There will be no gd ending for this post i cant think of any "GOOD" ending.